We all have our own particular way of doing things, but there's a fine line between being particular and being controlling.

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Verified by Psychology Today. When Kids Call the Shots. Posted Nov 30, Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. Do you wrestle with trusting people? Have a history of combative relationships? The wish to control others is driven by high levels of internal anxiety.

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Try these: time management relationship advice healthy lifestyle money wealth success leadership psychology. Home » How to build confidence » Am I controlling?


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To use it as justification for punishing you in some way, or preemptively trying to keep you from making that "error" again—to keep you acting in ways they want you to. Additionally, when this perspective becomes ingrained within your relationship, they very likely are attempting to be controlling as well.

Back Magazine. Remember, relationships should only enhance your life. You fear displeasing others and the overwhelming workload it would take to achieve the impossible, so you put off any action whatsoever. Sometimes when you're in a relationship, it's not about you. Take responsibility for your feelings.

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In controlling ones, the person needing the alone time is made out to be a villain or denied the time altogether, taking away yet another way they can strengthen themselves. If you're a controlling partnerthen you live with the mindset that it's your life and your partner is coming along for the ride.

Why do I need to control everything? Since they experience relying on others as dangerous, they develop unhealthy defenses against dependency, such as passive-aggressive behavior guilting, shaming, or withdrawing and bullying tactics threats and ultimatums.

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Mental health experts report that people resort to controlling behaviors to gain a temporary fix for feelings of anxiety. Healthy people in healthy relationships spend plenty of time apart, even if they miss each other in the process.

This anxiety-driven defense destroys relationships.

Posted Jun 01, Reviewed by Lybi Ma. And as a loving, supportive partner, you should never want to take away your love's sense of self and sense of control over their own lives. When it becomes more intense, however, it can be scary and possessive.

Humor and even teasing can be a fundamental mode of interacting within many long-term relationships. Share on Pinterest Controlling behavior can be a form of abuse. It's the common-denominator theme of many a controlling relationship. When our Six Human Needs are not met, we begin to feel fear and self-doubt. Healthy, stable relationships have a sense of reciprocity built into them. Many other resources are available, including helplines, in-person support, and temporary housing.

In this way, the impulse to control serves a protective function against feelings of vulnerability, which controlling people associate with powerlessness. Someone exerting excessive control may constantly act superior and try to undermine your reputation.

All of this makes sustaining intimacy with controlling people challenging, because their behavior causes:.

Am I controlling? It is crucial to note that while mental health conditions and past trauma can contribute to controlling behavior, these issues do not justify or excuse abuse.

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Controlling people try to control others or situations. Controlling people use a whole arsenal of tools in order to dominate their partners—whether they or their partners realize what's happening or not. Learn the s, dangers, and how to get help here.

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Ask yourself if the person is controlling your freedom and autonomy. For example, a person with obsessive-compulsive disorderor OCD, may need to have control over their environment or routine due to intense fears of contamination or crime. Or they may try to rationalize it, saying that it's not such a big deal that he or she doesn't like the way they dress or speak or eat or decorate their house and that they shouldn't take it personally.

Their goal is to strip you of your support network, and thus your strength—so that you will be less likely or able to stand up against them whenever they want to "win. If you're a controlling personit's likely you're sabotaging your own relationships.

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It is important for people who live with a controlling or abusive person to have a plan to protect themselves so that they can leave the situation safely and recover. What Drives Emotional Abuse in Relationships. It's inherent that you will look out for each other, and not bean-count every little time you do something to help the other out.

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That's not a true partnership at all. When denied, they can become punishing and vindictive.

However, coercive control can escalate to physical violence. It's another way of sapping your strength: making you feel guilty for time you need on your own to recharge, or making you feel like you don't love them enough when you perhaps need less time with them than they need with you. Back Today. A controlling partner will use anger, guilt, or shame to make sure you're together all the time.

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Medically reviewed by Jeffrey Ditzell, DO. If you make all the decisions about where you're going, how you're spending your money, what you're eating, if you'll have a family, or how your future will look, that's controlling. Thwarting your professional or educational goals by making you doubt yourself.

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In healthy relationships, communication about those needs le to a workable compromise. Some examples include:.

Many controlling people are skilled manipulators at making their partner's own emotions work in the controlling person's favor. No person in a relationship is royalty. If they can manipulate their partners into feeling a steady stream of guilt about everyday goings-on, then a lot of the controlling person's work is done for them—their partners will gradually try to do whatever they can to not have to feel guilty. You may walk in the door to find them already angry about something that they found, thought about, or decided in your absence. This can be especially true when their partner is more passive and the controlling person is likely to triumph in every disagreement that comes up, just because the partner being controlled is more conflict-avoidant in nature or simply exhausted from the fighting that they've done.

The key aspect is whether it feels comfortable and loving to both parties.

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In this article, we describe s that a person is controlling and how control relates to abuse. The wish to control others is driven by high levels of internal anxiety. For instance, as mentioned, you shouldn't always have to detail your whereabouts for every moment of every day, nor should your partner automatically have the right to access your or texts or Internet search history.

Unhealthy and dangerous patterns aren't always obvious.

Abusive partners have often learned controlling behavior, and other forms of abuse, from other people. As you read these statement, pay close attention to the feelings they induce in you. What Type of Woman Stalks Men? Getting you so tired of arguing that you'll relent. They manage people, meet goalsand are relentlessly goal-driven. These behaviors can include:. Read Next. Medically reviewed by Timothy J. They intimidate you. In other cases, when a person demonstrates abusive behavior, such as coercive control, it may be dangerous to confront them.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger of domestic violence, call or otherwise seek emergency help. s and behaviors Causes How to respond s of danger When to seek help Summary Controlling people try to control others or situations. Your partner's friends might be the worst, but they're still your partner's friends. If you're helping, it should be because your partner has specifically asked for your help.

A controlling person will attempt to undermine your confidence by making jabs at you in private or public. Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph. Making you feel you don't "measure up" or are unworthy of them. And you're basically being told that you don't have a right to your own feelings—a classic move by controlling people everywhere.

Back Today.

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They might also go out of their way to appear overly generous as a way to keep you indebted to them. Your partner's future, no matter how entwined it is with yours, is ultimately theirs to determine. Most likely, it springs from your history, particularly any trauma related to intimacy or emotional neglect. Undermining your fitness goalsconstantly tempting you with cigarettes when you've quit, not respecting your decision to only have one drink rather than three—these are all ways that controlling people can try to thwart your attempts to be a healthier and stronger person.

An overactive scorecard. You might have learned in childhood that pleasing people is the route to security and contentment. Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Strive to identify what triggers your wish to control others.

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Trust is everything. Read this next. They do their own thing, work on their goals, hang with their friends, and see their families without their partners. It's OK to want your partner to be with you at all times.

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